Wednesday, February 01, 2017

Hello again, World!

Hi there! Guess it's been years since my last sensible post about my life experiences eh? Haha, well to be honest, I'm often at lost these past times. But now, fortunately, I think I somehow cleared some confusing stuffs on my path...on my journey.

At first, it was really hard that I had to cry almost every night or those times that I could recall related events.

Not to make you dubious of my story, I'm actually talking about that thing you call 'belongingness'.

As an individual, it is a need for us to feel appreciated, loved and to feel that we belong to such group...or even to prove and fit our existing in this world, so finding for this feeling is, for me, a normal thing to do. But in a deeper thought (cos I'm such a deep thinking type of person) I guess, to be conscious of such need for those feelings would sometimes lead us to pain.

I, myself, had been struggling for the past months.

After I graduated in college I was focused in applying for work, then working and hanging out with friends. I met new people, gain more friends and had entered a new group which made me feel more loved and accepted than my place before. I liked them all and the times that we spent together.

Then one day, my bestfriend cut off his friendship with me, saying that we're over and I became just a stranger again. This incident made me doubt other people...this made me doubt myself more. I lost confidence. I lost a precious friend whom I can be with myself. I lost a guy whom I used to fight with and loved.

I became more melancholic than a phlegmatic person. I became more sensitive to my surroundings to the point that I slowly felt a big hole in my heart. Feeling the coldness not by the weather or aircon but directly from my heart. I felt really bad and digusted towards myself. That is why...I began to ask space.

I tried but the more I want to let go, the more I wanted to be seen and still to hold on to them. I was just actually waiting for someone to say that I should not worry because they understand me and I still have them though I felt such a way...but one did? The space that I asked...was given literally.

I felt bad...yet later on, I said it's also my fault.

But then...that's how we learn things, right? Especially if we're here living in this world.

Currently, there's still pain but not that bad as it was before.

I realized that sometimes, we just have to be lost to be able to find ourselves again. To know ourselves that we almost forgot because of unconsciously wanting to be loved and fit in our comfortable shells. It is important to be ourselves, nothing's wrong with that. It is right to do things we want as long as it is not to injure other people's heart, dignity and soul. It's okay if you feel you're not being appreciated by the people love though you're doing great things. It's okay as long as it's for your good and for the people. It's okay because God sees you...God sees all things we do for Him.

This world is just our temporary home, accrdng to the song of Carrie Underwood. But as long as we live, we have to do our best to do good, making failure as a strength, fears for courage, tears for a smile, challenges as blessings, and darkness into making ourselves as lights for others.

I  am now 21 and these are my learnings in life so far that I gladly want to share. :)

If I happen to learn in a wrong way please do correct me.

Anyways, this was all for now. :) God bless us everyone! 😇

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